tired and frustrated and angry too

This is not a post where I fish for compliments or ask for a handout. This is an honest post about the not so great side of life that I felt like I needed to talk about.

I try my best not to be negative or speak negativity into the Universe. I don't think it's helpful. I don't think it accomplishes much, except to breed more negativity. Lately though I've been struggling and have been unhappy and angry and super frustrated. It's been eating away at me. And I'm having a hard time being grateful. All my days start off as good days (if you wake up, it's a good day). Then the anger creeps in and I'm in a foul mood.

I don't too much talk about exactly where I work, but I work in retail. This means my schedule is never the same and I don't always have the same amount of hours every week. On slow days I could very well be sent home early. This can make making sure I have enough money to pay all my bills hard. And actually the last several months...I don't even know how I've been getting by. Right now my hours are between 10-15/week. About 10+ hours LESS than my coworkers.

I haven't talked to my manager about it. I know what she'll say. Hours are based on the needs of the store, blah, blah, blah. Hours I used to work have been given to coworkers. People who are ONLY available to work on the weekend get more hours than I do. I only end up working two days a week. I've felt for some time now that the manager is trying to get me to quit. There have been a few situations where things weren't handled the way they normally are and it's just making me more and more angry. My desire to just walk out and say fuck you has increased greatly. I like a lot of my coworkers though, so it's unlikely that I will.

Also, I don't have a back up plan. I have $3 in my savings account and barely make it living check to check right now. With my hours being cut so much I've gotten lucky these last couple of months. I've made sales or gotten some extra money just in time to pay my rent or other bills that were due. I've been absolutely grateful for that. It's stressful though, not knowing if you'll have enough.

I've been "homeless". And I put that in quotation marks because about 5 years ago I had no where to live. All my things were in storage and I was living on friends couches or spare bedrooms. I had no place that was my own. It was tough. I wasn't making enough money and I had a TON of bills I wasn't paying. I finally found a job that gave me more hours and through the kindness of a friend was able to move into the building I live in now. I don't want that to happen again though. I don't know where I'd be able to go if it were to happen again.

That's another reason why I don't think I'd just up and quit. While the dream is to run issa.ino:handmade full time, I'm scared. What if I don't make enough sales enough to take care of my bills? What happens then? How long until they would evict me from my apartment? Where would I live then? A lot of questions. So I stay at my job, where I'm unhappy and frustrated and don't feel like I'm being treated fairly.

I've made a few attempts to find a new job. But I don't know what I want to do and that's a big battle. I don't want to end up in another job where I'm unhappy. And I'd prefer not to switch into another retail position. But it doesn't seem like there is much else out there that I'm qualified for. I have a degree, but no real experience with my degree. I'd love to just cook meals for busy people or craft all day. I just want to work for myself. I'm happiest when I'm crafting and cooking and baking. I think I could be quite successful at it...but I'm letting fear live here.

So yeah, I'm stuck right now. I don't know what to do. I'm tired of worrying. I'm tired of being angry and frustrated about what's going on at work. And I don't want to cry anymore about having to deal with certain people at work.

I'm glad to have gotten that out of my system. I haven't really talked to much in depth to anyone about this. I tend to keep certain things private. But there have been a few angry tweets lately.

Okay, this is funny because as I was writing this a friend and fellow entrepreneur sent me to this site. I asked the Universe for sign earlier about quitting. I think this is the sign. I just need to follow through. So freaked out. I'll keep you folks updated.

reading - A Feast of Crows by George R.R. Martin
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