him list and the best photo ever

I was cleaning up one of the many piles of papers that I have all over my desk/bookshelf/printer/couch and came across a list I made a few years ago, my him list. The list that started my future husband list. Reading over the list, not a lot of what I still want has changed.

I haven't dated anyone in almost 3 years and I haven't been in a relationship in over 13. When I think about it, it seems crazy that it's been THAT long. Not to toot my own horn, but I think I'm a catch. I'm a crafty mother fucker, intelligent, beautiful (or hot as one of my long time friends told me this past weekend). I can cook, bake, carry a conversation and have a pretty good sense of humor. Heck, I even have big boobs. But, it's been said that I'm picky (it's kinda true) and that I'm intimidating, strong (it's all a fascade, well maybe not all of it). Could that be what's holding me back? If a guy thinks I'm too strong...I don't want him.

That's why I don't talk much about dating here...it's not happening, so why discuss it. And when I do go out, the guys that I'm around are all friends. Nothing hinky going on with any of them. I'm good at putting dudes in the friend zone. I've got a couple of crushes, but I don't interact with them enough to mention it. I'd like to be dating though. I'd like to look forward to talking to someone on the phone or getting a text message or whatever the kids are doing these days.

Then I look at my list and think maybe my standards are too high.

It feels like everyone around me is dating, getting engaged, getting married or having babies. It's hard not to be a little be envious when that's exactly what I want. It's hard not to be envious when I see odd couples together or women with horrible attitudes all boo'd up. I try not to dwell on it though. My time will eventually come. Could it come sooner if I lowered my standards, probably...but I can't go for that.

So for now I just work on me, becoming a more awesome and better me.



via Tumblr the land where no one has a source
In other news: this is like the most awesome picture I've seen this week. I love it. I kinda think it could be photoshopped though. I don't know anything about physics (I think that's the right subject), but I feel like he might have overshot the pool or that the pool isn't deep enough. I don't know...something is just off. Aside from that though...hilarious.

Also, don't forget...Friday is the goals n' schtuff link up. Bring your goals and you A game and let's link up. mmmkay.

reading - Attachments by Rainbow Rowell This post brought to you in part by:

let's go on adventures together

we can build forts in the living room and watch cartoons.

let's get caught in the rain.

Meh. I'm feeling the need to be cuddled up with a smart, kind, passionate, artistic, handsome man (you gotta be specific or you might end up with something you might not have REALLY wanted).

I have a friendship that flip flops between, cornering him and planting sweet peck on his lips and wanting to flick him in the forehead, multiple times, HARD. What is that?

That's all I got. This post has been sitting as a draft for probably a month now. I thought I'd just go ahead and post it. All it really was, was the first sentence. I had planned on going somewhere with it, but I changed my mind. It's my blog. I can do that.

single and happy?

Someone asked me awhile back how I did it. How was it that I'm single and happy being single? I think I told them that it wasn't easy, because it's not. I do remember saying that you have to be able to be happy single, before you can be happy while you're with someone. That you can't expect someone else to make you happy.

I get lonely. But I'm lucky enough that spending time with friends is enough to keep me from getting too lonely. Would I like intimacy and companionship? You betcha. But it'll have to be the right person. I don't want to settle for just anyone just so that I'm not alone. I'd be sacrificing my happiness.

This post was supposed to be longer and a little more in depth, but I had the idea for this post about a week ago and am just now getting around to writing it. And I could have just scrapped the post altogether, but part of my Winter Wishlist was to blog more, so I'm doing that.

In other news, life is pretty sweet. I spent Wednesday dicking around and enjoying the beautiful weather we had here. I can't wait for Spring.

let's talk about sex baby...

"...I'm realizing more and more that I'm less interested in sex for the sake of sex and more interested in the intimacy of having sex with someone that I have an emotional connection to." I can't remember which blog I read this on. But yeah, that's how I feel these days.

See that counter there on the lower right. Proof.

I'm even fine being single. I'm not actively seeking a relationship, but I will say that running around Chicago in the rain, holding hands and stealing kisses. I'd like more of that. 

Reflecting on 2007

In no particular order...

Finally after too many years of fear and lost independence I mosied on down to the BMV, took the driver's permit test and passed. I've spent a few hours behind the wheel already and am becoming more comfortable with driving. I just need a lot of practice and a patient teacher. I hope by next October I'll have turned in my permit for a driver's license.

After twenty-three years the Lambino clan decided it was time we all got together again for a spankin' good time. A lot of new additions to the family and a few subtractions. Three cousins and our grandfather missing this time around. It was quite interesting to be around so many of my family members and to learn how much we are alike. There's no denying we're family. From the one hand back pat hug to our indecisiveness. Fun stuff. Of course no one wanted to cook authentic Filipino food, it was either Italian or Mexican or foraging for your own dinner. Hopefully it doesn't take another twenty-three years to get the family back together again. But then again really we're just not that close.

I acted out at the beginning of the fall (I think because of the depression) and fell into bed with a couple of gentlemen that I shouldn't have. It was reckless. Fun at the time, but quite reckless.

I came to the conclusion that I'm severely depressed. My own diagnosis, but an accurate one I believe. It's not just being down or sad, it's deeper than that. A lot of crying, a lot of laying in bed, a lot of feeling useless, a lot of not so very good thoughts. I tried to tell people the best way I could, but I think for the most part it fell on deaf ears. There was one person who listened though. I also took a step forward and mentioned it to a doctor who pointed me in the direction of a place that could help. Of course making the call and following through is going to be the tough part.

Going back to school was not in the cards this year. I really wanted to continue my studies in Graphic Design, but I had to put that on hold. I didn't have the finances. That and I'm not sure how the whole academic probation and reapplying is supposed to work. School and work and everything else that's been going. It's tough to balance.

The job hunt was fruitless. I submitted dozens of applications and had all of three interviews. I'm either under-qualified or over-qualified. Just give me a job. PLEASE!!! I do enjoy the job I have now, but it's not going to get me where I need to be and it's not helping with my financial status. School wants there money and without another job, they're not going to be getting it any time soon.

A dateless year and a half and when I finally decide that I'm going to give someone a chance and agree to go on a date I end up with some psycho. He stands me up, I give him another chance and he's late and makes me pay for dinner. Not only that but when I tell him I'm not interested he flips out and threatens me. Quite hilarious, but still. Geez, this dating thing. Maybe it's why I don't.

I finally met up with TheStudent this year and it was the best thirty-six hours of 2007. It was like we'd known each other forever. Very comfortable, a relaxing mini vacation where I was able to just be. If I could've stayed longer I would've. I wanted to spend a lot more of the year with him, but it just wasn't in the cards. Hopefully I get to see him again soon.

I finally met up with TheWriter as well as NotInterested. It seems this year was the year to meet up with those I met online after a year or more knowing each other.

Met a handful of new friends or maybe more so acquaintances. A few friendships sort of...I don't know...changed definitely. Not sure what happened or what was lost. Other friendships grew.

One person I met this year in particular I'm still crushing on big time and glad that I took that step and contacted him. He's been influential in my life thus far and I believe will have quite the impact on what's to come. There's something about him. I don't know what it is. He makes me want to try harder and do better and make changes. I'm thankful for his friendship. He always says or does something that makes me smile/laugh. I wish we could take our friendship further. It could be a beautiful thing.

Oh and how could I forget the boy I met shortly before heading out to Cali for my family reunion. He was a cutie and I had the hardest time trying to talk to him...then a friend of a friend stepped in and we talked and had lunch and I found at at the ripe age of 25 he was divorced with two children. Talk about baggage, but I was still willing to take the chance and see what was up with him anyway. Even with the crazy mothers of his children, yes mothers plural...each child had a different mother. It seemed those women were a bit...territorial. He sort of disappeared less than a month after our meeting. Oh well.

I met another young gentleman as well around that time who had a child and seemed like a nice guy and one day he disappeared as well. Actually this year I met several men with children who ready and willing for me to meet their children and/or family so very soon after meeting them. Too much for me and I'm kind of glad they disappeared out of my life.

Money seems to have been the worst of my problems. I don't know how it happened. My well just ran dry and with no job prospects and no more stocks and no more anything I fell on hard times about half way through the year. It's been hard and I know a large contribution to my depression. I know things will eventually get better. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

This is a public service announcement, this is only a test...*

Notice to ALL Future Boyfriends…a little information guide to help make our time together more pleasant.
1. I WILL want sex more than you. More often than not you’ll turn me down more than I will you. I’ll probably be more ready and willing than you can handle. This will irritate me at times.
2. I have the tendency to be an insensitive jackass. I’m working on it. Words will come out of my mouth that are not intended for anyone’s ears. I might actually mean them, but they still aren’t always meant to be heard.
3. I need space when I sleep. That doesn’t mean I don’t like to cuddle, I don’t mind it for a little while…but when it’s time for sleep and all that body heat is making me hot and sweaty I need some space and the cool side of the pillow.
4. I have A LOT of male friends. They are JUST friends. If you can’t handle that…bye.
5. I am not that open with my feelings until I feel I can trust you enough with them. I don’t like being vulnerable. In time I’ll open up.
6. My friends are an important part of my life. They were here before you…there will be times when I put them ahead of you.
7. I’m quiet and I like quiet. Excessive noise pisses me off…especially music that’s not my own.
8. I’m always on time…if not early. I drives me crazy when people are late, especially when they have no good excuse. It’s a sure fire way to piss me off.
9. I like to learn about the things that make you tick and that you enjoy and are passionate about. Teach me.
10. I like the idea of lingerie, but think tanks and boy shorts are sexier.
11. I love to cook and experiment in the kitchen, but the dishes afterwards are my enemy as is the trash. Mucho brownie points if you wash the dishes and take out the trash for me without me ever mentioning it.
12. I REALLY appreciate the little things…back rubs…cuddling…holding hands.
13. Hitting and teasing are my way of showing affection. Hugs and kisses are too.
14. I will buy you things. Little things that make me think about you and that I think you’ll appreciate.
15. I’m eclectic and creative and will sometimes appear as if I’m not all there.
16. I’m a bit of a organized neat freak…even when I’m messy I try to be neat and organized.
17. Sometimes I like to listen mainstream music even though I know it’s bad. I can’t help myself sometimes.
18. Everybody poops, everybody farts, everybody etc. It doesn’t bother me, it’s human…but if it’s gonna stink warn me and if it stinks light a match.
19. I don’t like people. I have the tendency to be quiet and shy at gatherings. I’ll warm up eventually…just don’t ditch me for hours at a time.
20. I can be quite perverted at times. I’m still a lady though and expect to be treated as one.
21. I’m quite adventurous in bed and in life. Let’s have lots of fun.
22. I am intelligent. Just a little slow at times. I take pleasure in learning.
23. I do not have a good relationship with my mother and brother. I don’t like to talk about them. The incidents that occurred between them and me may affect our relationship. I’m working on getting past it. Please be patient.
24. I act tough, but I’m really a thoughtful and caring person at heart. I love and crave affection. I’m touched by the little things, like forehead kisses.
25. I’m easily entertained. Give me a piece of paper…maybe a pen too and I’ll be good for a while.

*I borrowed this from another blogger (The Virginity Monologues maybe?) and changed it to suit my needs.

I Might Not Be Cut Out for This Dating Thing

Pre-actual date: I was stood up two days in a row, one with the excuse that his family just moved into town and he had to run around and do errands with them. But wait, no call until four hours later. The second day also spent running family around town with no explanation until the next day. Really that should’ve been my sign to write him off. But it’s not like I had anything else to do so I gave him one last chance. Then of course when he said he wanted to spend this winter and the as many winters as I’d let him with me I should’ve realized something was up.

Things that went wrong on my last date:

• He was late.
• We had NOTHING to talk about during the car ride to dinner.
• He STILL had not decided where we were going to go for dinner after having three days to plan it all out.
• There was STILL no conversation at dinner.
• He kept tapping his fingers and checking his watch at dinner.
• He was checking out the waitress.
• When the check came he pulled out several crumpled bills…to pay for HIS salad. I was expected to pay for my own meal.

After all of that there was no way I was going to waste anymore of my time with this person. I texted a few friends to see if I could crash at someone’s place. I wasn’t going to let this one take me home. I asked him to drop me off in winoville and he busted out of there before I could even get in the door to my friend’s building after telling me he’d call me later to make sure I made it home okay. An hour or so later he calls and I ignore it, opting to text him. I let him know that I’m not interested him. He asks why and I let him know that we had nothing in common and that I was unhappy with having to pay for my own dinner. He tries to plead his case stating that he’s not that open and comfortable on the first meeting and can he please pick me back up so that we can hang out at his place. I decline letting him know I’m still not interested and he responds with a lovely, “fuck u 2 then.” Really I should’ve left it alone, but no…I had to let him know that that was childish and I was sorry he felt that way. To add to such a lovely night he threatened me telling me he knew my address and that he was about to get some shit started and piss off my roommate. I didn’t dignify him with a response.

Oh…but it doesn’t end there. I spent the next day at the library and all of a sudden up pops an IM from the lovely young chap that states he’s about to make life a living hell for me over the course of the next couple of weeks. I really shouldn’t respond to him, but can’t help myself. He begins to tell me that he doesn’t pay for dinner for a woman that he’s not fucking (um…maybe if you would’ve paid, you might’ve gotten some) and that no woman has ever told him the things I’ve told him. I’m taking it he’s never been rejected in such a way. He claimed there was nothing wrong with him and that he guesses there’s a first time for everything. So I’m thinking okay he’s thinking more rationally and inquire as to whether he’ll still be threatening me. He tells me there’s no reason to worry or be scared and when I say okay, he tells me it won’t be.

PSYCHO!!!

Be careful what you wish for. I’ve been lonely and haven’t been out on a date in over a year and this is what life handed me. Not exactly what I was looking for.

Lesson learned. Oh and I met him on MySpace. I think this was the first time I met someone online that turned out to be whacked out. So far every other experience has been pretty good.

I’m not really worried about this little psycho, but just in case, I’ll be giving a few people all the information I know about him. Honestly, he doesn’t know who he’s messing with…if he tries anything when I’m out with my boys or stops by where I work…it’s not going to be pretty.

I Like Him and It Sucks

I "met" McDishes this past spring/summer. I had seen him at a few of the joints I frequent and then stumbled upon his MySpace page. One night I stepped out in a friendly gestured and sent him a message letting him know I had noticed him around. I left it at that.

Then one night he saw me at the Front Page came up to me and whispered in my ear, "You're my friend from MySpace." I laughed and said yes. That was the extent of our conversation that night. Later I sent him a message letting him know I thought he was attractive and that I liked his shirt.

Probably a week later I saw him online and we had a quick little dialogue via MySpace where he offered to come over and do my dishes. We took our dialogue to the phone and I thought it was quite odd that he wanted to come over at one in the morning to wash my dishes for me. Only later would I find out that he had other intentions. Sometimes I can't believe how naive I can be. I felt quite comfortable talking on the phone with him. It was then that I think a crush started to form.

I'd seen him around once or twice more over the course of a month or so. Then one day I randomly inquired to how he was doing and mentioned that I was moving in a few months. We ended up on the phone again and he told me not to be a stranger. Probably a week later while out of town I called him up and we fell into a comfortable conversation and we made plans to meet up when I got back.

We hung out and got it on and I probably said something I shouldn't have because sometimes I don't think before I speak. And because when I talk to him I just seem to blurt it ALL out when I really don't mean to. I was so confused about him. Was he flirting with me that night wasn't he. What was all of that? When he took me home that night I was very unsure if we were going to talk again. Shortly one night after seeing him I became an emotional basket case and sent him a long message stating I wanted to be friends. He said we could be.

Over the course of a month we texted randomly and he surprised me by wanting to hook up again. I never thought it would happen. It was...wow. My crush started to grow, but I tried to push past it. I'd done some research or snooping or whatever you want to call it and learned that while he is single it appears there is one girl in his life that is in his top stop.

The texting and messages continued and then on Halloween he asked me when he could set up a photo shoot. We scheduled one for that Saturday. We saw each other Halloween night, but didn't really talked. I playfully texted him the next afternoon which led to a phone conversation which then led to time well spent in the middle of the day. Napping and conversation and well other things that adults do sometimes when alone in the bedroom.

On the way home we talked about the photo shoot and about business and he inspired me to get my shit together so that I could get to where I need to be. My crush by now had blown up into major like/attraction. I want him...all the time. Not only for the sex, but for the conversation. He doesn't give me any or much affection and it drives me batty, but I still want him.

I like that he inspires me. I like that he's easy to talk to. I like that I'm comfortable with being myself around him. I like how we are playfully mean to each other when we spend time together. I find myself wanting to waste my time off with him. It's madness. He confuses me. Does he like me too? I want to ask where we stand, but then I'm afraid of hearing the answer I DON'T want to hear.

Urgh...why do I have to feel like this about him? For now I'm taking what time I can get with him and hope that something develops. And if nothing, I at least know that I've got a friend.

...with him...

...I wanna hold hands and just walk with him...

...I wanna lay in the grass and talk with him...

...I wanna curl up on the couch and chill with him...

...I wanna wrestle and giggle and have fun with him...

...I wanna hold him close and slow dance to the music with him...

...I wanna play tag with the waves at the beach and feel the sand between my toes with him...

...I wanna get messy and enjoy sweet sticky mangoes with him...

...I wanna cuddle and kiss and take disgustingly sweet photos with him...

...I wanna argue and fight and then make up with him...

...I wanna take out the trash and wash dishes with him...

...I wanna get drunk off that sweet love with him...

...If I only knew who HE was...

In and Out Like a Bank Robber

I had a little bit of sun in my life for a minute...but then it disappeared behind the clouds.  I reread my post and it's mucho wordy...but I never said I was a great writer.

A little over a month ago I met TheMetalHead (formerly TheNewBoy).  I like to believe it was a chance meeting.  See, TheMetalHead worked in a shoe store in the mall that I also work in.  I walk past his store every day and had never noticed him before...probably because he was fairly new.  One day I randomly decided to stop in and take a look at shoes and honestly shoe shopping isn't something I enjoy too much as I rarely find anything I like and when I do find a pair I adore they always end up being too narrow or my size is unavailable.  Anyway, I find a pair I like and ask an associate (who I find out later is the manager) for my size.  She brings them, I try them on (PERFECTION) and then decide to ask for recommendations for a pair of shoes for work.  Some where behind me is TheMetalHead who I have yet to really notice, going about his business. I go to check out and as the associate is asking me my information TheMetalHead starts to ask where I work and such and I finally notice him and how attractive he is.  I'm flustered by him and my answers come off as short and irritated.  Later I think that his face seems a bit familiar.

Now of course when I'm going to and from work I check to see if he's working so that I can catch a quick glimpse of him.  My high schoolish crush is growing.  I stop in one day and try my best to muster up conversation and all I can ask, while my back is to him as I pretend to browse the selection, is how often they get freight in.  I get my answer, feel like such a goober and head out.  I'm so incredibly shy, always have been.  A few days later I see him walking past and am able to blurt out a quick hello and a friendly smile.  He smiles and says hello back.  Later that day thanks to a friend I finally find out his name.

A few days later on my way to work I stop to chat with AW about TheMetalHead and then a college buddy and his cousin come past and hear me gushing about him and tell me to just go for it and talk to him.  I explain my shyness and how hard that is and they assure me that it's nothing and that I should just talk to him.  They walk past the store with me and TheMetalHead comes out as we're walking past and my college buddy's cousin tells him that I want to talk to him.  I'm quite embarassed at this, but walk in and introduce myself.  He suggests having lunch, but he's the only one working and can't leave.  I mention that I'm actually on my way to work but let him know that I'll stop by when I get off.

We set up a time to have lunch before I go to work one day and he ends up not being able to go so we reschedule for after I get off and then when I stop by after I get off, he isn't there, apparently family stuff came up.  At this point I want to say eff it and blow him off, but the better part of me says to give him a chance and see what happened.  A day or so later we finally have dinner and talk and get to know each other.  We both happen to be from military families and have both lived overseas.  I also find out he has two children and is newly divorced.  I'm a little put off by this, but it doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would.  There's just something about him that I'm attracted to.

The following days I stop by the store to chat with him and it's real casual, hey how are, how's work.  AW and I invite him to a St. Patty's Day party that AW is throwing, he says he might stop through.  He doesn't.

I had mentioned to him previously that I'm headed out of town for a week.  The day before I leave he mentions that he'd like to see me before I leave, but he has his kids for the weekend and that'd mean he'd have to bring them along.  In my head I'm screaming, "Hey, pump your breaks, I ain't ready to meet your kids, we've only known each other all of a week or so."  I tell him that's cool.  I don't hear from him that night and find out why when I get back from vacation.

He calls me before I head out to the airport to talk, but is cut short since he's at work.  At first I didn't even realize it was him on the phone, since I didn't recognize the number.  The girl in me thinks that he likes me and that this could be something good and I'm open to dating someone with children and other baggage.  Something I've shyed away from before.

Being that I'm a goober I hadn't set up a ride home from the airport when I got back.  so I decided that I'd see what type of response I'd get if I asked TheMetalHead to pick me up seeing that he was okay with me meeting his kids so soon.  I send him a text, but receive no response.  When I return from vacation I find out from that he was asking AW about me and that he did intend on picking me up from the airport, BUT the baby momma found my text message and proceeded to delete it and my phone number.  I also find out from him later that he was going to come by and see me before I left, but when he mentioned stopping by my place with kids in tow the baby momma was not having it.  Of course behaviors like this should have been huge red flags and I should have heeded the advice of friends and just leave TheMetalHead be, but the part of me that says to give him a chance is screaming louder than the voice that says to leave him alone.

He says to me at one point that he doesn't want to get me caught up in the drama that is his baby momma and that he wants to take things slowly.  I tell him I'm willing to be patient and see how things progress, but that I'm not likely to put up with a lot from his baby momma.  I kinda feel like I made a mistake saying it, but it was too late. the words didn't quite come out how I wanted them.

From there things seemed to progress in a downhill fashion.  We went from talking to just friends and he began to make it clear when I was sick and jokingly told him thanks for treating me like a leper and he responded by says hey, what're friends for.  Then he introduced me to a friend of his as his friend.  Of course the idiot girl in me still hoped for the possibility of something and wanted him to point blank say hey this isn't going to work let's just be friends.

I began to see less and less of him around at work.  And then finally found out that he no longer works at the store.  He never even bothered to let me know he no longer worked there either.  Of course being who I am I'm tempted to call and see how he's doing and ask what's going on to see what he says...but it seems pointless, he's not interested in me anymore if he was at all.  But heck I want the t-shirt he owes me...that's a good enough excuse to call.

I wonder why we met that day, I think there's got to be a reason he was put in my path.  Who knows.

You've Got to be Kidding Me

I met this guy (no not you Teej just in case you come through and read this) tonight on a dating site and we were having a decent little conversation and getting to know each other when he said he wanted me to commit to talking to ONLY him.  He did not want to share me with ANYONE.  He said he would NOT share me with anyone.  I proceeded to tell him that that wasn't his decision to make and that I couldn't commit because well 1) he lived in NC and 2) I could meet someone equally as intriguing tomorrow as could he.  He said talk to you next lifetime and I wish him luck in finding what he was looking for.  And hopefully I don't run into him next lifetime and if I do...I will quickly turn around bolt in the other direction.

I mean seriously...commitment online after only chatting for less than an hour?  Really?  Most days I can't even commit to what I'm going to wear to work or eat for dinner.  Sheesh this dating thing...even online is hard.

Tell Me Why

Why is it the moment you decide to let someone go so that you can move on, they call or email you?  Like they have some sort of radar.

An Open Note to "You"

I just want you to know I'm looking for you too.

That Guy

I "met" DW the beginning of August 2005 on BlackPeopleMeet.com.  I was a day new and browsing profiles and just happened to bookmark his profile not knowing it would instantly send him a message alerting him to the bookmark I just made.  Shortly there after a message window pops open and there he is, just back from summer school in Paris.  What made him decide to click on the "Click to Chat" link that would be the beginning of many conversations.  He asked me what it was about his profile that deserved a bookmark.  I was a little embarassed that he knew I bookmarked him and said I was new and had no idea it would alert him.  Our conversation was short and wasn't about much, but I was already drawn to him.

We chatted a bit over the next couple of days just the basic getting to know you conversations.  I was excited.  He sent me his phone number, but I knew I wouldn't call.  I don't know why, but I don't like to make the first call.  So in return I gave him my number.  He called and my first thought about his voice made me laugh.  We talked for about two minutes as he was on his way home.  We didn't talk again for almost a month.

Finally when we had or real first conversation we talked for over an hour.  It was just very comfortable.  He even talked about coming to visit and even spending Christmas with me.  It was amazing how well we got along on the phone.  Laughing and chatting.

He soon started to send the sweetest text messages telling me he was thinking about me and that he missed me.  He would often ask if I missed him and I always said how could I miss someone I'd never met.  In a way I did miss him, but I would never say it.  I longed to meet him and have him hold me in his arms.

Once in a while he'd sort of disappear for a couple of weeks at a time, but we had talked about how sometimes he does that to get away from things and people.  It was okay, I knew he was busy working on his dreams.  I knew from our conversations that this man is destined for greatness.  I can hear it in his voice and see it in his actions and the path that he's on.

I slowly started to fall for him.  He became the one I could see myself picking up my life and going to be with.  We had even hypothetically discussed moving to be together.  I'd never felt that way about anyone.  I never thought I would feel that way about someone.  I didn't want to be that girl.

Our conversations were always so relaxing.  When we spoke I was automatically put at ease.  I could go from highly stressed and unable to sleep to completely relaxed and ready to sleep the night away.  I would sometimes only get 3 or 4 hours of sleep after our late conversations, but always feel like I'd gotten at least 8 hours.  It was like...magic.  Sounds corny, but that's just how it was.

This summer our conversations died.  He was in Italy for part of the summer and then had an internship in Seattle and we lost touch.  But when school started back, he popped back up.  It's still not quite the same.  We don't talk often.  It's his last year of college and I understand that he's busy.  But I miss him and I miss our conversations.

I still find it difficult to wrap my brain around the "relationship" we have over the phone/internet.  How is it possible to grow close to someone in such a way that you've never physically met.  It doesn't make sense.  But I'm glad that I did bookmark his profile that day.  Even if we never meet, I'm still glad that we became friends and I can only hope that our friendship is one that lasts a lifetime.

War Wounds and Things Like That

I had intended to write this post before I left for the weekend but at some point I suppose I was just too tired and got side tracked.

Date No. 1, Tuesday: Went out w/ a former coworker, JM, our claim is that we're just friend and enjoy hanging out together. We've hung out a few times before, the conversation is good. We ended up having dinner at Applebee's, kidding and joking around as usual and then the check comes. We both no I'm unemployed w/ little extra money to spare. He says that he doesn't get paid until Friday. I get stuck with the check. I'm upset, but keep calm. We head out and check out Stein Mart to browse. Well this ASSHOLE drops twice what dinner was on a couple of shirts. WTF? Now I'm upset and let him know. (I still get heated thinking about it.) He later tells me he's worth any money spent. Fuck that shit. I'm still pissed at him. We go for a walk along a local trail and talk so more (at some point it comes out that I have plans on Wed/Thurs, I leave it at that plans), head home and hang out a little longer. At some point my neck is attacked and I'm left bruised (I don't notice until the morning). Just another reason to be upset with him. Have decided I'm not calling him until I can cool down a bit.

Date No. 2, Thursday: Original plans were for Wed. Went out with Mr. ED from my previous post. He suggested Applebee's or Chili's and seeing that I had Applebee's Tuesday I said Chili's, that and I hadn't eaten there since the early 90's. Dinner was good, we talked laughed, threatened each other w/ the silverware. Another former coworker was our waitress so she kept wanting to talk which mad the dinner a little more entertaining. It was still early when dinner ended but we didn't know what else to do so we came back to my apartment. I really don't like to let first dates into my apartment unless we've hung out more before hand. I let him know that and when he barged in I left the door open...for comfort and because I was being silly. We sat and talked some more for a little over and hour or so and then he headed home. Very intense personality, but still fun to hangout with.

I can't see being anything more than friends w/ either of them. Oh and the war wound had just about disappeared by the time I went out Thursday. I also decided to leave my hair down just in case. Oh and ED picked up the check, score 10 points for him.

Dating isn't too bad. I'm having fun with it. Never thought I'd be the type to be going out w/ two different people in one week. There will be more adventures to come and hopefully I'll meet someone that I'll want to go on more than one date with.

0 for 2

If you're a Pisces man...turn around and walk away now...no good will come of this...well...maybe a friendship.
*UPDATED*

He made his decision.

It's not very often that I find a man that I would want to be in a relationship with (of course I have crushed on, lusted after and been infatuated with a few...but hey...I'm a girl...apparently we do that)...as a matter of fact in the past seven years of my singledom there have only been TWO. Yes...TWO. And both have chosen the other girl over me. Yes I know, their loss. Blah, blah, blah. Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Blah, blah, blah. It still hurts.

It's few and far between that I meet a man that I'm completely comfortable with, that I can be me around and not hold anything back. It's rare that I find someone who can make me laugh and that I have a great time with and I can tell just about everything to. That's why it hurts...even if it's just a little bit...it hurts. But unlike a some girls I know I'm not wrapped up in what my shortcomings may be. He just wasn't feelin' my vibe.

I'm actually surprised that I'm feeling hurt by number two. We haven't known each other all that long, less than six months in fact. But I guess there was a bit of a connection, more so than I thought. The first time we hung out...I thought to myself...WTF? We hung out again and he started to grow on me. And then all of sudden...BAM! I realized I was attracted to him.

We'll still be friends and for the most part, that's all that matters.

It's funny how much number one and two are alike. Almost the same person just in two different packages. The similarities are uncanny. I almost want to say that number two was the improved version of number one. Heck I mine as well say it. He was. Those Pisces men. I gotta stay away from them...no good can come from them...well other than great friendships.

And as he says, "So is life."

(I know there's someone better out there looking for me...I just wish I knew how far this journey is going to take me to find him.)

It's Been Awhile

First off...I owe a chum from HS a shout out...this is for you Grayse. Happy Belated Birthday and I hope you're enjoying Germany. I will try harder next time to see you next time I'm in ATL. Me, you and Joe'l...we'll have to do something.
And now...yeah, yeah, it's been a while since I've posted. I know. I can't say that I've been REAL busy, because really I haven't...but I have been in a little bit of a funk. I don't know if it's the cold weather, school or just I don't know. I will say that I'm stressed out about one of my classes. It's a lot more than I was expecting. Not a challenge so much as how/what the teacher is grading. I get the concepts and all, but I guess my work just isn't up to her standards. It has been a while though since I've done drawing and what not. The other class on the hand I'm doing great in and I'm loving every minute of it.

I've let some things fall to the way side for a bit. Not sure what's really going on. I think I'm just a little lost at the moment. I'm sure I can easily be found. It's the darn weather I say, how is it that the weather can control how we feel. Hurry up Spring, I need a pick me up.

Have met some interesting new characters and have been doing a lot of thinking about this dating thing. I seriously don't think I'm dateable. Just about every single person I've met has never gotten past being just a friend, so needless to say I've got a large group of male type friends. Maybe that's just the way to go. Just grant one or two of them the perks...kissing, cuddling...etc. Thoughts anyone? I really don't know. This might require some more thought. I'll get back to you about it.

Can't really think about anything else that should be updated. No interesting quips or anecdotes to share either. I guess I should end this here, get some grub and start on that homework that's due tomorrow night.

Adios Mi Amigos, Adios

Today is the day that AB and I take off for Atlanta for a weekend of fun, fun and more fun. Who knows if we'll come back. Yeah right, we'll be back on Monday. Just in time for me to finish up my homework and post it.
Can't wait to see my friend JY from good ol' Heidelberg. I ain't seen him in like 7 years or something like that.

School is going alright. I'm still trying to get used to being back in class even though the classes are online. My procrastination is kicking in big time and I've been turning in my assignments at the last, last minute.

The ugly ol' Hallmark holiday was okay. AB and I went to Olive Garden for lunch. I recommend the Steak Gorgonzola Alfredo. Good for lunch and breakfast the next day. We also went and got pedicures...she even convinced me to get a red...the color is so girly, so weird for me. And then we hooked up with her cousins P and T and we went our for some drinks.

The past two days have been blah for me. The sun hasn't really been out and I'm still getting over this awful cough and have been doing a lot of laying in bed. I really hate when the weather outside can control how I feel. The laying in bed was nice, it's always nice...but I felt so blah...I couldn't even get motivated to do anything. It was awful.

Other than that, life is okay I guess. I'm content. I've come to the conclusion that although I say I'm ready to be in a relationship, I'm scared and I think I subconsciously sabotage any and all relationship potential by turning guys into friends or just being an ass or saying too much, too soon. I tell myself that if a relationship was presented to me I'd jump in with both feet, it might not lead to marriage or be long term, but it'd be the experience I lack or something like that. Does that make sense? It's makes sense in my head...but doesn't seem like it translate to "paper". And currently, I'm confused by a couple of men in my life. I don't know what to do or say to either of them. One I've put on the back burner for now and the other...I don't know what to do about him...he puzzles me the most. They say actions speak louder than words...but how do you know what those actions are really saying???

Anywho...I really need to either look at this homework so I can get the majority of it done or something.

TTFN and say what you mean and mean what you say...

[insert heavy sigh here]

The big holidays have past and the dreaded V day will be upon us in a month. I hate Hallmark. Seeing all the red and pink and hearts has got me down. Kisses and hugs and couples, blech. But not really blech...but a sadness that I'll be alone...again. Is there someone I'd like to be with...yes...will we be together...not likely (should be more positive, but the situation is a little odd, nothing bad...just not typical). I've shed a few tears about being alone and it's a daily thing. These are the moments when I ask why? I question my worth and my beauty and what am I doing wrong and a whole bunch of other stuff. Then I listen to all the sappy love songs and I spiral deeper into my bitterness. I know my time will come...but when?

In a State of Confusion

...oh so confused...about a guy...Clark why do you have to be at work when I need to talk?