I Like Him and It Sucks

I "met" McDishes this past spring/summer. I had seen him at a few of the joints I frequent and then stumbled upon his MySpace page. One night I stepped out in a friendly gestured and sent him a message letting him know I had noticed him around. I left it at that.

Then one night he saw me at the Front Page came up to me and whispered in my ear, "You're my friend from MySpace." I laughed and said yes. That was the extent of our conversation that night. Later I sent him a message letting him know I thought he was attractive and that I liked his shirt.

Probably a week later I saw him online and we had a quick little dialogue via MySpace where he offered to come over and do my dishes. We took our dialogue to the phone and I thought it was quite odd that he wanted to come over at one in the morning to wash my dishes for me. Only later would I find out that he had other intentions. Sometimes I can't believe how naive I can be. I felt quite comfortable talking on the phone with him. It was then that I think a crush started to form.

I'd seen him around once or twice more over the course of a month or so. Then one day I randomly inquired to how he was doing and mentioned that I was moving in a few months. We ended up on the phone again and he told me not to be a stranger. Probably a week later while out of town I called him up and we fell into a comfortable conversation and we made plans to meet up when I got back.

We hung out and got it on and I probably said something I shouldn't have because sometimes I don't think before I speak. And because when I talk to him I just seem to blurt it ALL out when I really don't mean to. I was so confused about him. Was he flirting with me that night wasn't he. What was all of that? When he took me home that night I was very unsure if we were going to talk again. Shortly one night after seeing him I became an emotional basket case and sent him a long message stating I wanted to be friends. He said we could be.

Over the course of a month we texted randomly and he surprised me by wanting to hook up again. I never thought it would happen. It was...wow. My crush started to grow, but I tried to push past it. I'd done some research or snooping or whatever you want to call it and learned that while he is single it appears there is one girl in his life that is in his top stop.

The texting and messages continued and then on Halloween he asked me when he could set up a photo shoot. We scheduled one for that Saturday. We saw each other Halloween night, but didn't really talked. I playfully texted him the next afternoon which led to a phone conversation which then led to time well spent in the middle of the day. Napping and conversation and well other things that adults do sometimes when alone in the bedroom.

On the way home we talked about the photo shoot and about business and he inspired me to get my shit together so that I could get to where I need to be. My crush by now had blown up into major like/attraction. I want him...all the time. Not only for the sex, but for the conversation. He doesn't give me any or much affection and it drives me batty, but I still want him.

I like that he inspires me. I like that he's easy to talk to. I like that I'm comfortable with being myself around him. I like how we are playfully mean to each other when we spend time together. I find myself wanting to waste my time off with him. It's madness. He confuses me. Does he like me too? I want to ask where we stand, but then I'm afraid of hearing the answer I DON'T want to hear.

Urgh...why do I have to feel like this about him? For now I'm taking what time I can get with him and hope that something develops. And if nothing, I at least know that I've got a friend.