Monday, November 12, 2012

tired and frustrated and angry too

This is not a post where I fish for compliments or ask for a handout. This is an honest post about the not so great side of life that I felt like I needed to talk about.

I try my best not to be negative or speak negativity into the Universe. I don't think it's helpful. I don't think it accomplishes much, except to breed more negativity. Lately though I've been struggling and have been unhappy and angry and super frustrated. It's been eating away at me. And I'm having a hard time being grateful. All my days start off as good days (if you wake up, it's a good day). Then the anger creeps in and I'm in a foul mood.

I don't too much talk about exactly where I work, but I work in retail. This means my schedule is never the same and I don't always have the same amount of hours every week. On slow days I could very well be sent home early. This can make making sure I have enough money to pay all my bills hard. And actually the last several months...I don't even know how I've been getting by. Right now my hours are between 10-15/week. About 10+ hours LESS than my coworkers.

I haven't talked to my manager about it. I know what she'll say. Hours are based on the needs of the store, blah, blah, blah. Hours I used to work have been given to coworkers. People who are ONLY available to work on the weekend get more hours than I do. I only end up working two days a week. I've felt for some time now that the manager is trying to get me to quit. There have been a few situations where things weren't handled the way they normally are and it's just making me more and more angry. My desire to just walk out and say fuck you has increased greatly. I like a lot of my coworkers though, so it's unlikely that I will.

Also, I don't have a back up plan. I have $3 in my savings account and barely make it living check to check right now. With my hours being cut so much I've gotten lucky these last couple of months. I've made sales or gotten some extra money just in time to pay my rent or other bills that were due. I've been absolutely grateful for that. It's stressful though, not knowing if you'll have enough.

I've been "homeless". And I put that in quotation marks because about 5 years ago I had no where to live. All my things were in storage and I was living on friends couches or spare bedrooms. I had no place that was my own. It was tough. I wasn't making enough money and I had a TON of bills I wasn't paying. I finally found a job that gave me more hours and through the kindness of a friend was able to move into the building I live in now. I don't want that to happen again though. I don't know where I'd be able to go if it were to happen again.

That's another reason why I don't think I'd just up and quit. While the dream is to run issa.ino:handmade full time, I'm scared. What if I don't make enough sales enough to take care of my bills? What happens then? How long until they would evict me from my apartment? Where would I live then? A lot of questions. So I stay at my job, where I'm unhappy and frustrated and don't feel like I'm being treated fairly.

I've made a few attempts to find a new job. But I don't know what I want to do and that's a big battle. I don't want to end up in another job where I'm unhappy. And I'd prefer not to switch into another retail position. But it doesn't seem like there is much else out there that I'm qualified for. I have a degree, but no real experience with my degree. I'd love to just cook meals for busy people or craft all day. I just want to work for myself. I'm happiest when I'm crafting and cooking and baking. I think I could be quite successful at it...but I'm letting fear live here.

So yeah, I'm stuck right now. I don't know what to do. I'm tired of worrying. I'm tired of being angry and frustrated about what's going on at work. And I don't want to cry anymore about having to deal with certain people at work.

I'm glad to have gotten that out of my system. I haven't really talked to much in depth to anyone about this. I tend to keep certain things private. But there have been a few angry tweets lately.

Okay, this is funny because as I was writing this a friend and fellow entrepreneur sent me to this site. I asked the Universe for sign earlier about quitting. I think this is the sign. I just need to follow through. So freaked out. I'll keep you folks updated.

reading - A Feast of Crows by George R.R. Martin

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SarahJane Miller said...

I wish you the BEST of luck! :)

Diary of an Angry Pregnant Lady said...

I just started reading your blog and I just wanted to tell you how much I love it! Good luck with your Etsy shop. I hope you're able to turn it into a full time thing soon. Keep your head up :)

Eve Myers said...

I understand this post a lot! My bank account is sorely lacking and each week I am surprised at how I'm able to make just enough to make it through. And I am also so tired of worrying. I'm so sorry you're going through it. It seems like everyone is tired and frustrated and angry right now!

Chelsea Melrose said...

I hope things turn around for you! I am having the same feelings of being "stuck". While I like my job and get hours, I am so behind and in debt I can't keep up. Sending you good thoughts!!

Rima said...

The Universe still loves you :)

i'm like you too. I want to quit nursing, maybe just working once in awhile, and just concentrate on baking baking baking.

Let's hold hands and wish together :)

Steff said...

I was in the same boat for a while and hated it. That would be awesome to live off your business (though get more product in there, girl! The more stuff you have, the more chances someone will see one they love and buy it.) or even find another job in the meantime! I'd say keep trying to find another job or talk to your manager. When this happened to me before (getting hours cut) it turned out he thought I wanted less because I was in school. I definitely thought he wanted me to quit, though. After that, my hours went up! So you can always try to talk to your manager and see what happens. Good luck!

Evani Gatsby said...

I hate how much work has a influence in our lives. I swear its an American thing and I wish we could learn to put more value on other things than making a living. I'm sorry things have been hard lately, I wish there was more I could do for you! I think that if you feel so strongly about your work, there's only so much a person can take and you deserve better. But I know what you mean about being stuck at a job because you're too afraid to pursue other things. I hope you know I'm here for you online anytime and although I can't do much virtually, I'm sending you big bear hugs. <3

stoic and pariah said...

I know your pain, dude. I just recently made my own escape from retail. they keep you there with empty promises, and you can usually forget about getting enough hours to qualify you for health insurance. It took me a long time to finally find a new job & make the escape. I found that gimmicks work well in getting called back for an interview. funky colored resume paper, and the like. I wish you luck, my friend! in your escape to something else as well as your etsy shop!!