Saturday, September 2, 2006

Hopeless...Like a Penny with a Hole In It

I've been unemployed now for about three months, which by my calculations is two and a half months too long. Short vacations are nice, but this is getting to be ridiculous.

I'm not sure what else there is I can do. I know I screwed myself when I was younger by choosing not to learn how to drive. It's greatly limited the areas to which I can apply for work. Or maybe the fact that I don't have my own mode of transportation isn't affecting my ability to find a job. I don't know. All I know is that I'm frustrated about the whole thing.

People are always telling me it must be nice that I get to sit home all day and not do anything. And yes, in some aspects it is quite enjoyable...but at the same time it's also stressful. I'm worried most of the time about where I'm going to find the money to pay rent, utilities, school loans, groceries, etc. It's gotten to the point where I get up, check e-mail, apply for a few jobs and then go back and lay in bed because I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm tired and I don't even do anything. It's even affecting my ability to create. I feel like I have nothing left in me. No spark. No mojo. No nothing.

What more can I do? I'm running out of money. I rarely if ever leave my apartment. I've applied for all the jobs I can (well except food service, which is probably where I'm going next). I've borrowed money. I try to work on building my business, but then I feel hopeless. I just want to lay in bed all day and forget about what's going on around me. My body always feels exhausted. I don't know what more I can do.

Everyone tells me I'm going to be fine, something will come along soon. But when is soon? I'm not sure how much longer I can go feeling like this inside. I often ask myself if it's possible that I'm depressed and is it time to seek help of some sort? But then I tell myself I can't do that. I can't afford to see a doctor. I know I have friends I can turn to to talk to but I just feel like I'd be burdening them with my problems and lately I feel like I haven't been there for any of them because I've been so caught up with myself that they won't want to help me. But I know they're my friends and they'd do what they could because they ARE my friends.

What's funny is that I know what's keeping me from asking for help. Pride. And wanting to be able to survive on my own, although deep down inside there are days when I just want someone to take care of me. But how do you put aside that pride and that fear of having to depend on others aside?

If we were hanging out or you were to see me out or we were talking you wouldn't see how bad this is fucking me up. I've been hiding it. I've been faking it. I've been acting like it isn't as bad as I feel like it really is. I haven't been being honest about how much it's really affecting me. It's like I'm two different people.

I don't know what to do anymore and I don't know how much longer I can fake it.


ETD:  Apparently this is my 100th post according to WordPress.  Such a downer post I know.

No comments: