Sunday, September 30, 2007

MySpace: Bringing People Together and other stuff

About a week ago an old friend from when I lived in upstate New York (life of a military brat) found me via good ol' MySpace and it led to catching up with her sister and two other girls I used to hang out with back then. Through all the messaging back and forth I learned that out of the five of us I'm the only one who hasn't gotten or been married and I'm the only one who doesn't have any children. It seems crazy that I'm the only one.

It made me wonder if I hadn't moved to Germany would I have found someone and ended up getting married or having children? How different would my life have been had I not moved away to Germany to finish off high school? That town had nothing in it. And from what one friend told me, after the base closed down our housing addition was abandoned. Would my dad have stayed there and retired? I can't imagine he would've, but still I wonder.

And now here I am in Indianapolis, almost 28 and still single with nothing in site. No long term relationships under my belt. No children. No career. Nothing*. I wouldn't have been happy there. I couldn't have settled for that life. That town. I know that. But I'm not really happy where I'm at now either. I know what I want, but I'm not finding it. Or I'm running from it. Or I'm not working hard enough for it. Or it's not good enough. Or I can't see it. Or this. Or that. It's always something, there's always an excuse.

I really don't know where I should go from here. I need direction. I need help. I'm an adult, but I still feel like right now, I need someone to hold my hand. I can't do it by myself the way that I want to. It's time to step up and make a change and be responsible for the life that I've been given and make something of it. Otherwise, this downward spiral into the depths of nothingness is going to consume me and who knows if I'll be able to make it out.

*Other than great friends, who I care about dearly and am glad to have in my life. I will always be grateful for them.

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