I don't think I'm cut out for this dating thing.

"The key to success is programming...it's accountability..."

When did cheerleading uniforms become so minimal and why are parents letting there five year olds walk around with their bellies and butts showing? Put some warm ups on. I bet the pedophiles are enjoying the view.

It's quite disturbing to see little girls all dolled up with 39284784 layers of make up on.

I almost hope I have only sons.

Hey, maybe if you tied your shoelaces I wouldn't have stepped on it. Looking at me like I'm crazy for accidently stepping on your lace. Punk kid.

Monday

I have a lot of dislike for the hair straightener ladies today. I'd really like to throw ish at them. Leave us alone. Everyday you ask...everyday we say no.

Why do you mumble ish when we're on the phone? Say it...just say it. Unfortunately I so enjoy talking on the phone to you and I don't have anything to say.

Women do some stupid ass shit for and because of men.

Tuesday

TheFireFighter asked me if I was ready to get married today. Be in a serious relationship, yes. Get married, no.

"The only thing that's constant is change."

I love my hair today. The color is quite beautiful. (See new photos.)

"...I see a woman walking wither her man...man with his woman...smiling as they stroll in to this little bar...as they kiss each other holding hands...I get sick to my stomach...so jealous of how fucking happy they are...lucky ass...there's a couple different people I could call right now...but the one I want don't want me at all right now...and that hurts...Y.L.E.N.O.L...if you care at all that means I'm lonely..."

I know you can't look at other peoples relationships and want that because you never know what's going on behind closed doors, but damn it, I'm lonely.

FYI - Depression sucks ass.

"...love is on the way...all I got to say...is it won't let go...we can pray to early May...fast for 30 days...still it won't let go...got a good book and got all in it...tried a little yoga for a minute...but it won't let go...tried to turn the sauna up hotter...drank a whole jar of holy water...but it won't let go...and the words got a way...I want you...so what we gonna do...I want you..."

"Baby, thank you for taking care of me and letting me just be." "I realize that I miss that kind of affection. Just sitting on the balconey enjoying the night air together. Just sitting on the couch watching TV. Just talking about this, that and the other. It's been so long since I've had that with anyone. Even just a day of it was good."

I need that like everyday. I wish I could go back and relive those 36 hours I got to spend with him.

"He's quite attractive and I'd like to kiss him just for fun." I love going back to read old blogs sometimes. I did finally get to kiss him and everything that happened after was quite fun.

"...I'm gonna keep on making wishes...I'm gonna keep on being strong...I won't settle for less than true love...I'm gonna keep in holdin' on...I would give..."

Thursday

I cried on the way to work today for the first time in a while. It wasn't about work though. It was about being frustrated with where I'm at. Life is just a little sucky right now.

How do I get myself out of this mess?

"...Maybe I'm a girl and maybe I'm a lonely girl...Who's in the middle of something...That she doesn't really understand..."

I want a Chia Pet. I always seem to want one during the holidays. I think it's those damn commercials.

I swear I have more man personality traits than woman personality traits.

Friday

Why?

His voice grates my nerves and makes my ears bleed.

Hi-effin-larious...did I really write that a year ago???

Damn holiday season + depression = not a good mix. Me and my bed have a healthier relationship these days...especially since he's in storage.

"..sometimes my burdens get so heavy...and it seems too hard to bear...sometimes I feel so empty...and it feels like no one's there...somebody said that nothing lasts forever...just the storm so I've been told...but it seems like when it rains it pours...and you know the rain won't last forever..."

From Body & Soul magazine:

1. Your home is more than the sum of its walls. Make it a sacred space.

2. Creativity is a lifestyle, not simply an activity. Let is expand you.

3. True forgiveness springs from love, not regret.

4. Learn something new. Emphasize the trying, not the succeeding.

5. Spend some time in the dirt. You'll be amazed at what nature can inspire.

6. You don't have to have a perfect body to feel great in it.

7. Define yourself by who you are, not the roles you play.

8. Find rejuvination in five minutes of silence.

9. Contribute to abundance. If you no longer need something, pass it on.

10. Find direction in your life by looking where you want to go, not where you don't.

"...And I'd give anything...And everything...To fall in love...Just this one time...I'd like to find...What I've been dreaming of...Well I could find someone to hold me...But that wouldn't be enough...But I'd give anything...To fall in love..."

I went back and read old list entries about TheStudent and I miss him and the time we spent together.

"...Baby I want your body close...you on top of me...can you feel it...I'm gonna make your body drip all over me...baby me inside of you...so take off all your cloths and throw them on the floor...you won't need them cause I'm gonna give you every lil' think you need and more...let me tell you what I want...I wanna make sweet love...all night long...to the rising of the sun...with your body close to mine and it feels so right...don't let go of me..."

Weekend

Stood up.

You're so much more invested than I am. I think I'm too laid back sometimes.

I can't get enough of Potatoes O'Brian...mmm mmm bitches.

How I haven't gained back any of that weight is beyond me.

Monday

Dude...long term commitment??? Together this winter...next winter...forever??? Get the eff out of here.

Tuesday

Texts at 4AM? Take your ass back to sleep.

Clingy much? That's a sure fire way to get me to run in the opposite direction.

Ugh...work.

*deep heavy sigh*

Wednesday

I shaved my legs for nothing.

That was the WORST first and what will be our last date that I've ever been on. (I think that trumps the bad first/last date I had two years ago.) He couldn't pick a place to eat after having three days to decide. He didn't have anything to say in the car from downtown to Castleton and then conversation was dull at dinner as well. He kept looking at his watch, tapping his fingers and even checked out the waitress. I asked him if he was bored and why he kept looking at his watch. And to put the icing on the cake...I had to pay for my own dinner. WTF?

Yeah, I couldn't waste any more time with him after that. Please drop me off. Thanks.

WOW, this mother fucker just threatened to cause trouble for me at my current place of residence and with my boss. How fucking immature is that??? So very glad I cut that one loose.

Okay so yes I did say that what he did was childish...but um...I was only being honest...I said I wasn't interested and let him plead his case...he tried to get me to come chill with him in his own environment which I don't believe would've made it any better and when I denied him he said fuck you then...childish...I was just calling it as I saw it.

I do have a minor fear of what may happen considering I don't really know him all that well.

*deep heavy sigh*

I don't think I'm cut out for this dating thing.

All that really could've been it's own blog...but that's not the way I roll.

Thanks Allison for letting me crash at your place. I really didn't want him taking me home and seeing where I lived.

Be careful what you wish for...look what I got.